It’s been 98 Fridays with a broken heart, 37 days until it’s been two years. I said that on Facebook this morning, and watched my (overall Facebook) likes fall by a handful- the kind comments have followed, but the former always strikes me. It seems like every time I post about losing Patrick I lose people, so let me just get this out of the way:
If you can’t deal with the fact that I occasionally post about being sad because I suddenly lost my 14 month old for no reason, GO THE FUCK AWAY RIGHT NOW.
…but don’t go without recognizing the fact that you have that privilege, and what a huge one it is. Don’t go without remembering that SUDC = Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood = no cause, no cure = there’s nothing you can do to protect or prepare yourself for it.
Trust me, you are learning about this the easy way.
Grief is far from my only life or subject matter, but unfortunately for me, it’s become a part of who I am because Patrick is a part of who I am, and nothing will ever change either of those things. If there’s a singular thing I wish to impart on the world for Patrick’s and my stay here, it’s to encourage people to be grateful for every. damn. day, and to be kind to your children and each other.
One of the only things that provides any balm for me about Patrick’s life is that I spent every day loving and appreciating him (and continue to do so with my other children) because I learned that lesson in a lighter way after losing my father to Melanoma in 2010. I’m grateful I left him intact, grateful he was still breastfeeding, cosleeping and being worn every day, grateful that he was close to my heart in every way, every day of his entire life.
Because of my PTSD & SUDC, I evaluate every decision with “If I (or ____) died tonight, would I regret this?“, which is both a blessing and a curse; I get incredibly soaring heights of anxiety, but I also am pushed to find the courage to show up for my life and share my heart with others, even when it’s terrifying… it doesn’t make the latter any easier, but I go to sleep at night knowing I’ve said my piece and done my part. I always think about how need to write more. This is me trying.
Anyhow- if you can’t handle witnessing not made-for-TV grief, the fact that I occasionally say fuck, (and have an album just for swearing, actually- and one on cannabis, too) that I’m a feminist, humanist, science-loving hippie-nerd that writes sporadic, random poetry and posts, and embraces a coffee addiction open-heartedly: peace out. *If those things happen to appeal to you, consider following my blog (via the link on the top right side of the page on desktop and after the comment form on mobile) if you haven’t already.
I’m here for authenticity, not approval. I’m here to learn and improve myself and the world around me. I’m here to hopefully lend some perspective and to share what helps me with my own, to keep my son’s memory alive, and to promote awareness for the SUDC Foundation– and that means I will never stop talking about them- and the other things that matter to me- ever.
Okay, enough soapbox for awhile. Now, go hug your kids and remind the people that you love in your life how much they mean to you. Dammit.