Phone rings at work How may I help I answer He has cancer She says Sinking in I begin counting hours breaths seconds of his Bracing myself because I know that he will and so my 6 year old inside rages and dies tearful fight of dark against light of what must be even if … Continue reading
I died I want to die I am dying but I live and I want to because you once did I hurt I want my ache I am grieving bleeding and healing because love fills the space in the atomic ache and there you live Continue reading
Stay here I whisper to myself as the trigger tingle before the migraine of grief grows and nothing wanted more than escape I stay here in this hurt because it’s worth what came before and it’s worth what comes After Stay here stay here stay here please stay I rocked and rocked tears streaming clutching begging … Continue reading
Holding space for my own pain is the hardest part about right now. It’s difficult as fuck. I mean, there’s a lot to my current situation, but allowing the sadness of many layers of it to really be felt is highly uncomfortable to say the least. Like, the “not getting out of bed for two … Continue reading
It’s like I can’t remember what happiness looks like. Well, maybe that’s not it. It looks something like all my living children under my roof and the house a lived-in level of clean, healthy food to eat and access to nature. My bills are paid, my debt is relatively low, my living children are happy, … Continue reading
I want to scream at the sky for all the reasons I can’t know why can’t have prevented can’t prevent now for myself or anyone else walking into that sight It’s in my head and in my heart every single fucking day every hour, every minute all the things that I can’t change I don’t … Continue reading
What you were just for a moment when I first beheld you tiny paper fingernails eyes as deep as the cosmos a perfect latch intact tiny care bears on your hat love between you and I like the sky The gendered normative of your gifted toys your favorite blanket the music you liked a spectrum … Continue reading
It’s been 140 weeks since Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood took my son and we’re in the last week of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. The more I’ve sat with those two thoughts and tried to participate in activities geared toward the latter, the more I feel that they aren’t really related; the C … Continue reading
I’ve always identified as a sympathetic person, but it wasn’t until I lost my son that I realized the imperative nature of empathy- not only when it comes to processing grief and helping others do the same, but in life in general. Not sure of the difference? This video is the shortest, easiest way I’ve … Continue reading
I’d love to have seen the sunrise but I missed it for fitful sleep seeking to behold my son’s eyes available only in dreams * I don’t have a sunrise picture and only read the details of Capture Your Grief this morning after waking up to Kaya barking at something outside. I got irritated, but … Continue reading
