Phone rings at work How may I help I answer He has cancer She says Sinking in I begin counting hours breaths seconds of his Bracing myself because I know that he will and so my 6 year old inside rages and dies tearful fight of dark against light of what must be even if … Continue reading
I died I want to die I am dying but I live and I want to because you once did I hurt I want my ache I am grieving bleeding and healing because love fills the space in the atomic ache and there you live Continue reading
Stay here I whisper to myself as the trigger tingle before the migraine of grief grows and nothing wanted more than escape I stay here in this hurt because it’s worth what came before and it’s worth what comes After Stay here stay here stay here please stay I rocked and rocked tears streaming clutching begging … Continue reading
Because grief is so varied and personal, there is no “normal” or “right” way to grieve, except to feel your way through it. This means people actively trying to move through and express their pain show it in a wide variety of ways outside of the behaviors people are used to seeing. We aren’t “Fine” and everyone knows it. Continue reading
Meet me at the place where your love for yourself slightly outweighs your love for your family and me for sour and spicy things for drawing and ways to escape Meet me with eyes and no words where we know that we’re heard honestly without shame this is not a fucking game but the ball is fully in your … Continue reading
Holding space for my own pain is the hardest part about right now. It’s difficult as fuck. I mean, there’s a lot to my current situation, but allowing the sadness of many layers of it to really be felt is highly uncomfortable to say the least. Like, the “not getting out of bed for two … Continue reading
It’s like I can’t remember what happiness looks like. Well, maybe that’s not it. It looks something like all my living children under my roof and the house a lived-in level of clean, healthy food to eat and access to nature. My bills are paid, my debt is relatively low, my living children are happy, … Continue reading
I want to scream at the sky for all the reasons I can’t know why can’t have prevented can’t prevent now for myself or anyone else walking into that sight It’s in my head and in my heart every single fucking day every hour, every minute all the things that I can’t change I don’t … Continue reading
What you were just for a moment when I first beheld you tiny paper fingernails eyes as deep as the cosmos a perfect latch intact tiny care bears on your hat love between you and I like the sky The gendered normative of your gifted toys your favorite blanket the music you liked a spectrum … Continue reading
It’s been 140 weeks since Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood took my son and we’re in the last week of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. The more I’ve sat with those two thoughts and tried to participate in activities geared toward the latter, the more I feel that they aren’t really related; the C … Continue reading
