I want to scream at the sky
for all the reasons
I can’t know why
can’t have prevented
can’t prevent now
for myself
or anyone else
walking into
that sight

It’s in my head and in my heart
every single fucking day
every hour, every minute
all the things that I can’t change
I don’t know what to do
to make it go away
don’t know who to ask
what to attack or
what to learn or act on
because everyone who
went to school
for exactly that

And who am I
but just a mother
left permanently altered
a heaviness left in my chest
in my living room an altar
I never faltered in my care for him
grateful every day
a parting gift my father left
nothing gold can stay

There are no books
I have no friends
that share the hurt I hold
There are no groups
I have no god
it just sits in my soul
and so it leaks
from mind to eyes
through heart
and out of fingers
to a place where breezes
of my heart’s storms
find a place to linger
to plant a flag
for gypsy hearts
for those that share
my anguish
My heart cries
but hardly speaks
for no one knows
the language

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