Phone rings at work How may I help I answer He has cancer She says Sinking in I begin counting hours breaths seconds of his Bracing myself because I know that he will and so my 6 year old inside rages and dies tearful fight of dark against light of what must be even if … Continue reading
Holding space for my own pain is the hardest part about right now. It’s difficult as fuck. I mean, there’s a lot to my current situation, but allowing the sadness of many layers of it to really be felt is highly uncomfortable to say the least. Like, the “not getting out of bed for two … Continue reading
It’s like I can’t remember what happiness looks like. Well, maybe that’s not it. It looks something like all my living children under my roof and the house a lived-in level of clean, healthy food to eat and access to nature. My bills are paid, my debt is relatively low, my living children are happy, … Continue reading
I want to scream at the sky for all the reasons I can’t know why can’t have prevented can’t prevent now for myself or anyone else walking into that sight It’s in my head and in my heart every single fucking day every hour, every minute all the things that I can’t change I don’t … Continue reading
What you were just for a moment when I first beheld you tiny paper fingernails eyes as deep as the cosmos a perfect latch intact tiny care bears on your hat love between you and I like the sky The gendered normative of your gifted toys your favorite blanket the music you liked a spectrum … Continue reading
It’s been 140 weeks since Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood took my son and we’re in the last week of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. The more I’ve sat with those two thoughts and tried to participate in activities geared toward the latter, the more I feel that they aren’t really related; the C … Continue reading
I’d love to have seen the sunrise but I missed it for fitful sleep seeking to behold my son’s eyes available only in dreams * I don’t have a sunrise picture and only read the details of Capture Your Grief this morning after waking up to Kaya barking at something outside. I got irritated, but … Continue reading
There was a post going around a while ago on how having or being a stay at home parent isn’t a luxury and I agree: the word you’re looking for there is privilege. To even be a part of that conversation presumes the privilege of having a two-parent household to begin with. Having a spouse … Continue reading
I took you there to celebrate the harvest pumpkins and hayrides the giant Ferris Wheel I can still feel you pressed against my chest and see your bright eyes taking it all in It was your complexion milky like your sleepy smile downy fluff hair flushed and full cheeks delicious thighs and eyes that hold … Continue reading
It’s been 98 Fridays with a broken heart, 37 days until it’s been two years. I said that on Facebook this morning, and watched my (overall Facebook) likes fall by a handful- the kind comments have followed, but the former always strikes me. It seems like every time I post about losing Patrick I lose … Continue reading
