I’d love to have seen the sunrise but I missed it for fitful sleep seeking to behold my son’s eyes available only in dreams * I don’t have a sunrise picture and only read the details of Capture Your Grief this morning after waking up to Kaya barking at something outside. I got irritated, but … Continue reading
There are no words for how it feels for a phoenix to burn alive What it takes to make spark from ashes embracing embers every cell combusting fire born within There are no words only knowing the smoldering touch between beginning and end love and pain fullness and ache The miracle of surrendering into our … Continue reading
It’s been 122 Fridays since I last held my littlest love. I count because I can’t help it. I count because he’s my son and he’ll never stop mattering to me. I count because numbers are something real that makes sense to me, unlike his absence, unlike SUDC. Patrick should be three and a half … Continue reading
There was a post going around a while ago on how having or being a stay at home parent isn’t a luxury and I agree: the word you’re looking for there is privilege. To even be a part of that conversation presumes the privilege of having a two-parent household to begin with. Having a spouse … Continue reading
I want a giant iron to smooth over all the wrinkles in this wretched system a psychic microscope all must pass through who enter those gates from any angle a deflective umbrella made of Care Bear stare to hold over those I love to protect them when it all falls down and cupcakes to give … Continue reading
I took you there to celebrate the harvest pumpkins and hayrides the giant Ferris Wheel I can still feel you pressed against my chest and see your bright eyes taking it all in It was your complexion milky like your sleepy smile downy fluff hair flushed and full cheeks delicious thighs and eyes that hold … Continue reading
Some days all I do is miss you it comes out of the blue like a star fell and burned straight through my heart and it’s all I can do to get through the day without your arms reaching for me and I miss the feel of each individual finger of your left hand upon … Continue reading
It’s been 98 Fridays with a broken heart, 37 days until it’s been two years. I said that on Facebook this morning, and watched my (overall Facebook) likes fall by a handful- the kind comments have followed, but the former always strikes me. It seems like every time I post about losing Patrick I lose … Continue reading
95 Fridays and I still keep count ever increasing numbers they’ll still never surmount or even touch the aching vacancy the numbness that I hold it’s just a silly way to find some sense within my soul because your ab-sense is exactly that away from logic fact or study away from any truth except goddamn … Continue reading
Trigger warning: child loss When my father died, there came a cold, permanent reminder that sometimes, life is too short, and that death can come far too unpredictably, too soon. With Patrick’s death came the reality that my best, most difficult, lengthy, impassioned efforts that I couldn’t possibly care more about or pour more of … Continue reading
