Downhill

Snow-HillI used to think that
all downhill from here
was a good thing
stomach butterflies
the careful letting go
it’s own reward
after the climb
because I let myself forget
now that it’s been some time
about looking over
and realizing
I’m alone
full speed
the mountain still
before me

but now I remember
about how snow balls
and how avalanches fall
a single misstep
the butterfly effect
icy moments collect
colder, bolder and heavier
with each passing minute
and how it feels
to be frozen
from the inside out

and I hate that
every fucking time
I feel the most
myself
or anything else
I think of you
and want to share
because I spent
so
much
time
trying
to cut you out
the X in my chest
clawing and gnawing
at my heartstrings
through the sting
and the burn
only to learn that
you’re always just there
fucking dammit
it hardly seems fair
or possible

Yet here I am again
the very same me
in another orbit around
the very same you
in the very same hue
you’ve always been
through your same outer space
falling about my own thing
in a place
I can’t land
with your head in the sand
submerged in minutia
I don’t understand
I need you to guide me in
’cause I can’t dig you out
of yourself
no matter how much
I dig you

And I can’t
and I won’t
stick around
for you to
maybe
someday
somehow
be brave with me
and decide I’m enough
that I’m worth
seeking
holding onto
and showing up for
because I already have that memo
and so do many others
all I can do is know it
your choices are your own
and they speak
loud and clear
the words you choose
not to say

I’ve already given you
all the time I can take
and so much more
I know too painfully well
we aren’t guaranteed
love or tomorrow
so I’ll take today
in both hands
what so many
are offering
because no matter
how much I love you
and always will
fucking dammit
My heart never goes on sale
my friend
and it doesn’t seem
you’re ready to pay
the price

So let’s just let this go
downhill
and hope for
a clear path
and soft landing
because I can’t do this
if you’re not all in
and I’m all out
of band aids

*
Glitter in the Air is New Years-y, right? Bonus if you recognize the Tori reference just after the 3:00 mark.

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2 thoughts on “Downhill

  1. Beautifully written my daughter. Life can be so hard and its hard to get your heart shredded. But you and your heart are still intact. That’s awesome and brave and amazing. Love you!

    Like

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