child loss / grief / infant loss / patpatforever / personal crap / poetry / SUDC

Transition

I have felt the weight of you
since you were a twinkle in a star’s eye
before either of us knew you were you
I loved you with my whole heart
before you were half the size of it
and with my whole self
before I even knew my capacity

I sang and we danced
my feet on the carpet
yours floating, unseen
but I know that you could hear me
I could feel you within
and you were dancing, too

You slowly filled my life with yours
and I was grateful you’d chosen me
because I also had to choose.

Every choice that I made
you were in my consciousness
You made me stretch and grow

I always knew the process of separation
would cause something known as pain
that I would be overwhelmed
It was more than that
Splitting oneself into two

When the time came to part
it was sooner than I knew
Knees weak, one spark left
I screamed from my chest
and I called for you

We were divided
before I had a choice or a chance
to say goodbye to the me I knew
and take in this new form of you
I held you with shaking arms
awash with tears and sweat
exhausted and resigned
amazed I survived
the transition

I held you to my chest
unable to let go
lost in our world
I lay awake
and repeat the process
nightly.

For more of my poetry, click here.

October is SIDS, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.

20131022-212227.jpgFor more information, click here.

sudc awarenessFor ways you can help, click here.

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5 thoughts on “Transition

  1. I think of you and your sweet PatPat so often even now as time passes I know the ache your heart still feels. The only solace is knowing you will be together again some day, until then keep doing what you’re doing momma which is being an inspiration to us all to be present for our children and to enjoy every precious day, moment, hour and minute we have them. Love to you all Julie. Xxx (I hope you have been able to find use for the Alice in wonderland dream book I sent you) xxx

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