Monday is so…. Monday. I prepped in usual manor this morning: Coffee. Lots of it. I’ve had a pretty slow day, considering most of it was spent holding Patrick, who is teething like crazy right now and breastfeeding on demand- which helps take the edge off, for sure- but at times can mean I have to focus on the baby and let the piles of dishes and laundry be, which can be hard. It’s all part of my attempts to reconnect with myself and with my children lately- it can be alarming and challenging work to look at myself and accept that A) I haven’t been trying, doing or living up to my best self and standards B) Grieving and PPD are real, heavy, painful and can be life-consuming- but nothing gives me the right to play victim. I am the one mother for my children and they will grow up without me if I don’t keep my finger on my own pulse and theirs at all times- or at least most of them.
In effort to try and stay in touch with the rhythm of things and reconnect myself with, well, myself and my family as well as challenge myself in my writing, I’ve decided to list five things per day that I’m grateful for in my 30 Days of Gratitude. I”ve also been posting a gratitude thread on Facebook each morning, as well. It’s easy to shoot off of a list of family members or obvious first world benefits, but I’m trying to look at each day individually, at each moment as often as I can, and find gratitude in places I normally take for granted- or worse, find lack of patience or even resentment. Those things are usually a direct result of me having a preconceived notion of how things should be instead of staying in the moment and seeing how they truly are.
- Clean floors. I cleaned the ever-loving daylights out of my floors today. Patrick is crawling and sticking every little thing in his mouth- and cowboy tossing his food off of the side of his tray when he’s through with it, leaving a fair share of random sticky spots that pop up only when my faux-hubby comes out with bare feet. I had to hold little P today so long that by the time he took his singular nap, I felt like I hadn’t done anything, so I made myself feel better by doing one thing superawesome. I finished a few other things here and there, too. It feels good.
- My faux-step-daughter’s mom. She and I are in a very precarious position, but even when things aren’t going so well on one of our ends, we are always able to communicate with each other, to hear and be heard and to speak to each other directly. I have heard plenty of horror stories of terrible, horrible relations with babymamas with the amount of blended families these days- I am grateful for the communication and friendship that she and I have. I mean- one thing we can definitely agree on is that Danny has great taste, right? 🙂
- Spotify. I wish they were paying me to say so, but it’s still totally novel to me that I can look up so many different songs and artists at the push of a button. I grew up waiting anxiously by the radio for my favorite songs to come on, so that I could hit record and play at the same time on my cassette deck, sitting exactly next to the speaker If you make a sound, I will CUT YOU. flashing from my eyes if one of my sisters dared walk in at an inopportune moment. I remember for as long as I can think back, hearing music and not feeling so alone, bringing new musical discoveries to my mom or dragging her into my room to hear the latest definition of myself. The little kid inside me (Speaking of which… Remember the original Frosted Mini Wheats commercials?) is AMPED on being in the future and having nearly any song I want on demand- especially I after I lost my entire beloved music collection (read more about those crazy times here, if you feel so inclined) including my acquired-day-of-release Tori Amos collection- I had every album, every single. All of them, minus just a small handful of imports. I hope someone, somewhere in Northern Massachusetts is loving them & they’re not just in a dumpster somewhere. Ugh. Now I’m kinda bummed again.
- You know what, though? I’m grateful that I lost literally everything I’ve ever owned and loved. All of it. Click through the link above if you want the full story, but I did, just over three years ago now, lose everything I’ve ever owned. I didn’t know it was going to happen- I never said goodbye or chose what I wanted first. To this day, I remember something new almost every day that I wish that I still had. It’s been a challenge I’ve been forced into working on in my head and heart for awhile now. I have reached a point where I don’t want to end up like the crazy junk lady in Labyrinth. What, really, are you going to do with all the stuff around your house? Look at it until you die? Why not just remember it? What would happen if you forgot? Just some trails of thought I’ve been forced to walk down… and here I am, actually kinda grateful. Stuff is just stuff. The people we love are what matter. The end.
|What was I thinking, keeping all of this stuff?|
- Lastly, I am grateful for extra sleep that I got, because I passed out in bed with the baby after finishing the four above! 🙂 Oops. I’m also grateful that I can forgive myself for not having the date match up exactly with the day, (I’ll have 2 gratitude posts out today) which honestly kinda bugs, but oh well. This is me, letting it go. Falling dead asleep with the baby was wonderful & I wouldn’t take it back. A post is just digital stuff, a baby is a baby. Only one will save itself if forgotten about, you know?