There has never been a time
I have been able to keep
myself from leaving
a breadcrumb trail
brightly wrapped pieces
to and of my heart
bat signals
cryptograms and
phrases in languages
only We speak
for you to find
including this one
because I know
you get them
and me

But there has never been a time
where you have followed them
to the source
and built a fire
in the hearth of
the home that exists
where they were born
though the flame
of your gaslighting
has nearly consumed it
a number of times

Instead you find
carefully placed
confetti on the trail
and take the flavor in
your privacy
comfort and time
trinkets for your shelf
never paying mind
to why
or from whence
they came
discarding the wrapping
of conviction and courage
vulnerability and hope
it took for them to
exist at all

I see clearly now
through hindsight goggles
you just want
lozenge drops of me
balm for your
tears and fears
insecurity
and desirability
that my sustenance
all on the table
is too much for your appetite
which is why I am always left
patiently anorexic
digesting your
elective absence

I have given you
privacy
trust
silence and space
a sacred place
in my heart
for a week
for five years
or eighteen
and you’ve never given me
just me
a straight answer
or your hand
to walk with
and I’m smart enough
after so long
not to expect
or wait for
either one

I am not
anyone’s
fucking
emotional
spiritual
or physical
Pez dispenser
dammit
and I can’t fit
into your box
anymore than
I’ll let you into mine
just to find you
back out
then in again
That’s getting fucked
in a way I’m not into
and you no longer have
my consent

All I have left is
a pre-shelled pistachio
after shedding
so many drops
of my sweet
soul for you
So you can
suck on that