Impending

22 Aug

I don’t want to lose you
he says
eyes of the earth and sea
pleading longingly
But you will
I say
every day
For I am not possession
but self possessed

I can’t help but
lose myself
in what’s routine or novel
to get lost exploring
music or nature
ideas and questions
causes and creations
and emotional spaces
that just need to be

At times I am lost
in waves of grief
for what
and whom
is truly gone
and can never be
I lose myself
to anxiety
walking circles in the dark
when I need to see
your porch light on
my northern star
because you
to me
are home

Losing me is the one thing
I can guarantee
and if we’re as lucky
as two people can be
at the end
it will be to age
and leave you
devastated

Yes
you will lose me
innumerable times and ways
to people, processes and places
but I promise
you will find yourself
my love

Phoenix Tears

6 Jul

There are no words
for how it feels
for a phoenix
to burn alive
What it takes
to make spark from ashes
embracing embers
every cell combusting
fire born within
There are no words
only knowing
the smoldering touch
between beginning and end
love and pain
fullness and ache
The miracle of
surrendering into
our molten source
is that it can teach us
to fly again
and the tears of a phoenix
can heal others
and help them fly, too

Phoenix Tears

Disarticulated

3 Jul

There’s too much
dis-articulate particulate
here
vague fragmentation
of all left unsaid
in the air
Everywhere I bend
you break me
and drop the pieces
upon realizing
what’s shattered is sharp
So you’re right
there
and I’m left
here
disarticulated
to pick myself up
shadowboxing
hope and fear
of the time
I grow the nerve
to feel again

 

disarticulated

122

19 Jun

It’s been 122 Fridays since I last held my littlest love. I count because I can’t help it. I count because he’s my son and he’ll never stop mattering to me. I count because numbers are something real that makes sense to me, unlike his absence, unlike SUDC. Patrick should be three and a half years old, a bundle of energy and curiosity, making me exhausted, flabbergasted and completely in love now, but all I can do is hold space for how long it’s been for me since a time when that was my reality.

I remember life with him like a dream I just woke up from- flashing details, some tremendous and metaphorical, others just inflections of scenes from every day living. I remember the feel of his full cheeks against my skin and the feel of his left hand pat pat-pat-pat-ing my chest while he nursed. Sometimes it was a literal slap in the face- the variation is akin how my heart being touched by his memory feels now, usually I just notice it and keep doing what I’m doing, but sometimes it surprises me and demands attention.

I can’t always write about Patrick because it still fucking kills me inside in some way every time, no matter how much bigger my love than my ache. I don’t always want that visceral reality front and center to my own because I can’t function very well from my knees, which is where it brings me in every sense of the word without fail. But I’m getting better, and have found that speaking one on one or in a small group is easier than writing because it’s back and forth and there’s someone else participating and sharing. Here, it’s all me, just staring at my abyss, then making it public. Yikes. But I’m doing it. Progress, or something. Coming to terms with vulnerability and making baby steps.

I went to hang out at a friend’s yesterday and ended speaking openly about grief and loss over beers around a pool- and I realized that that’s what my reality is now: my grief is fully integrated into my joy, and authentic life lies somewhere in between. After a minute, I found out his roommate’s mother was a hospice nurse, and she had some really wonderful insights around life, death and the in between. I went from hesitantly sharing bits and pieces into a full blown conversation on cultural grief processes that I’m really grateful for.

Another friend messaged me last night to tell me that she thinks of me every time she wipes fingerprints from around her house and takes an extra minute to be grateful for her son because I shared. It takes courage to be vulnerable on both ends to have a conversation like that, and I’m honored and grateful every time someone takes a step outside of their comfort zone to make that connection. When I think about it, every. single. time. I’ve written something or shared about my grief in whatever minutia or grandeur it occurs, someone has thanked me, and/or shared that they’ve been carrying similar grief and never had the tools or place to acknowledge or (start to) process it.

I still don’t know how to help someone process their grief, I just share what works (and doesn’t) for me. Bereavement Doula Training helps, but all I know to get myself through the day is to acknowledge my feelings and know they’ll end, just like a contraction. Some require stillness paired with reflective, internal pep talking, some require animalistic howling and movement. It’s different every feeling, every person, every time. All I’ve learned is to not sugar coat the tough stuff- life is full of it, and the more experienced we and our children are with it, the better we’ll be able to handle hard times when they come. The best we can do is stay with it. So here’s my attempt to.

On top of being a Friday, it’s also Father’s Day weekend, which has been particularly painful since my own father passed from Melanoma in 2010. My newsfeed the past few days has been drenched with an influx of painful reminders of being unfathered, as well as news upon news about awful, tragic, downright infuriating and embarrassing racism and misogyny– it all just makes me want to curl into a ball and hide. One person’s baby shot 9 other people’s babies because of the color of their skin. That’s all I see when I read the news… babies. Even people three times my age are someone’s baby- children SUDC didn’t touch that got to grow up and end up where they are.

The grief in the world is exponential with each loss, and my mother’s heart is heavy thinking about all the other parents’ hearts out there in their first stages of grief. I had one of the worst nightmares I’ve had last night that consisted of essentially waking up over and over again to be reminded that my close friend had died in a tragic accident; reliving the hardest part of grieving for my head and heart on repeat. Those first fuzzy seconds upon waking where the rug gets pulled out from under me and the world comes crashing down anew are still a place I have very, very deep fear, I know. I’m afraid all of my loved ones are going to suddenly and unexpectedly die every second of every day. I try and use that fear to encourage my love, if that makes any damn sense, but it doesn’t take away the undercurrent of anxiety. I cried in relief when I woke up and realized that this one time, I got to wake up like I’ve prayed every morning to for 121 weeks now.

I’m heartbroken for all the parents that don’t get to wake up knowing they’ve had a long, cruel dream. (I sent my still very alive friend a text first thing this morning, even before coffee) My best during the times when I feel helpless is to provide space for myself and other grieving hearts to say, “That is awful. That should never happen. I hear you. I’m so sorry. Life makes no fucking sense sometimes. Thank you for trusting me enough to share. I have no words that can help, but I’m here. This sucks and I hate it for you and I’m here.”

And I’m here. For the parents with babies of any age who are gone too soon for reasons known or unknown, that we can understand or that we never will. I am here, and I will love my own children so damn hard that they’ll never think of harming yours. In 20 years when this generation we’ve parented grows up, we’ll see the difference we’ve made and it will all add up and mean something.

122 quote

I often feel insignificant -and in the grand (and even minor) scheme of things, I absolutely am- but that shouldn’t keep me from sharing what matters to me, just as none of us should ever hold back from doing the small things that help ourselves and others, whatever they may be– doing so is exactly how the world gets better. For me, I help by writing. For me, it’s helping others try and slow down, prioritize and to be kind and grateful to ourselves, our children and each other.

I encourage you to bring my SUDC goggles with you the next time you’re feeling frustrated or helpless in your homes or reading your newsfeeds. All of those grown up babies need love and education, and some are glaring examples of what happens when the lack of those things meet. Unfortunately, we don’t have time machines and can’t go back and fix the childhoods of the adults that make hateful, poorly informed choices, we can only learn from them. What we can do is make sure the childhoods we CAN affect are met with love, always seeking to learn and grow together. Keep bringing love, vulnerability, empathy and education to the table. It’s gonna be okay.

Auto.no.me

4 Jun

image

I am conscious of my body
and the things it is capable of
Which is everything
I choose so
I decide and decipher
what my soul is tied to
and which paths will be left
untrodden
Because at night
I always
walk alone

A blast of
swirling questions
fear and judgement
rain down
but I can hear
my new self calling
to my now self
from the other side
of passing storms
and I move forward
inch by furious inch
towards the me
I am becoming
for She and I
are the only ones
accountable

Life asks many questions
plants many seeds
None of which
I am obligated to water
or channel my flow into
I know
I chose
I choose
for my path
the place
and the shape
that resonates
nourishes and
excites my soul
by releasing
what does not

I am The One
who bears the scars
and the pain
of what it takes
to let go
of what I cannot hold
for reasons my own
or of Unknown
with grace
and without shame
knowing
I am
these choices are
these consequences are
this life is
mine

When shame knocks
I do not answer
When anger comes
I shake hands and say
you’re right
off you go
When sorrow comes
I give her tea
and we sit until
The light comes again

There will be no
canned responses
each step
each situation
each breath
unique
no dictator of
my journey
from atop a pyramid scheme
of exploited vulnerabilities
None of this
for the woman
I’m raising
up

I am conscious of my body
I am The One
who knows
hears
and interprets
My source
My path
My life

Auto-nothing
No, there will be
Me

Pweeep

12 Apr

To the mama
who holds the other half of my heart
and slight RBF
friend of my soul
maker of laughter
perfectly timed
with my attempts to swallow
keeper of my secrets
that I could never keep
from you
Sit down
and listen here
to me

Know
really take time to
stop and hear
how much
your heart
mind
and candor
how you somehow
are my same
my better
and my opposite
all wrapped in one
make my life better
just by existing
in whatever
beautiful fuckery our lives
(or laundry on my bed
the baby)
may be unfolding

To be truly seen
loved and appreciated
held space for
and held in place
without judgement
with so much empathy
and deep goddess love
is one of life’s greatest gifts
you not only give to me
but to anyone
you see who needs
you’re just that way
and that you’d never
try to change
but try to be that
on fire
makes me
inspired and proud
and love you
even more

A champion for the underdog
you will not be silenced
your warrior heart
cares and carries
so very much
and I hear
when it grows
heavy and weary
questions and worries
waiting through
discomfort
feeling helpless
and overwhelmed
like now
so share with me yours
while you
listen to mine

My voice is best here
When yours is tired
please find and
hear mine this way
and know that
I’m using it
because of
and for you
that I don’t know
what I did
or what I’d do
with no you
and I never want to

Basically
if I could find you
teleporting unicorns
with specially evolved
colons and sphincters
(I just used ‘sphincter’ in a poem
I’d text to tell you
but now you already know)
to happily and peaceably
eject rainbow glitter
upon each location change
that turned into money
and precious stones
sweet Rubies
color of fire and passion
blood and birth
I would make it happen
you are worth
more to me
than coffee

You are
such a joy
and a relief
to know
my friend
and despite
how much life
turns and hurts
sometimes
I am always
grateful for
the you
in mine
*

 

Despite

4 Apr

My heart is sore this morning
because it spent the night
despite my tired state
stretching to the edges
of everything it knows
seeking our sillage
like an old labrador
lost in the forest
without its companion
roaming like a compass
with no magnet
like a song
with no rhythm
there just isn’t sense
though all of mine seek it

Sometimes my poor heart
catches your scent
in a midday breeze and
despite my brain’s training
it always follows into that
twisted forest
between us where
it always returns
bruised and bigger
if only because
it learns to hold wider
the space
of the perforations
from what
and whom
it can’t find because
they don’t exist here
in the way that would make
the broken parts
beat again

My wild heart
can’t ever begin
to comprehend
the emptiness
what it means
and why
that vacancy exists
and it never will
so at night
despite what
the rest of me knows
it takes itself apart
to try and arrange
the pieces in
such a way
that they will
ever touch
yours again

Parenting Privilege

13 Mar

IMG_7226

There was a post going around a while ago on how having or being a stay at home parent isn’t a luxury and I agree: the word you’re looking for there is privilege.

To even be a part of that conversation presumes the privilege of having a two-parent household to begin with. Having a spouse is another example of a privilege that is not a luxury, and one some in our country only very recently have. It’s common knowledge that marriages take work, and it’s a wonder parenting isn’t accepted in the same way. Parenting is hard. For everyone. Parenting is not a competition; it’s a free-for-all mad dash of boogers, sleepless nights, peanut butter and jelly, tender, fleeting moments, questions and insights flanked with the most raging frustration and the most abounding love we’ll ever know. And then that part is over- sometimes far before we’re ready.

When I woke up 127 weeks ago, trying to find the best way to parent was (one of) my struggle(s), too. Well, it still is, but after losing Patrick, sometimes my struggle is to stay on the planet with my head and heart and not get lost clouds of numbness and disassociation because of the absolute unfairness of it all. It wasn’t a luxury to wipe his nose and stay up when he didn’t feel well at night, but oh, how I long for that privilege. From a post-SUDC perspective, having a child at all is a privilege (as is making the choice not to be a parent), no matter how you decide they are raised. Many spend thousands upon thousands of dollars just to have a shot at getting pregnant, while others choose abortion and both are personal choices- even having those choices to make is a privilege in itself.

Wanting respect for my choices means I (must) give it to other parents, which is why I don’t have a specific “way” of parenting I tout. (Although I am against harming children in any way, which means I don’t spank or circumcise, but let’s leave those topics for another time, shall we?) I have been a zillion different mothers in the last thirteen years, and been in fifteen gazillion (give or take a few) different situations. In order to accept (and sometimes learn to forgive) myself and look at the facts in order to improve, I have to view other parents with the same compassionate eyes I give my old self: I didn’t know better, I never thought I’d be in that situation, it was just one time, I didn’t think that would happen, whatever. I have younger sisters I’ve grown accustomed to watching develop as humans, and it’s having cultivated that thought process through watching and helping them along that I am able to put it into practice with myself, and then others.

I chose the name “progressive” based on the meaning continuous improvement, not because of any political leaning or particular stance: I just want to keep getting better, and help others know that they’re not alone in wanting the best life possible for themselves and their children and in struggling every damn day to not only find out which path to choose, but to walk it.

Let me take a minute to tell you something, because it’s imperative you not continue your day without knowing this:

YOU ARE A MOTHAFLIPPIN’ ROCK STAR.

I am SO proud and so grateful for the world you’re building for our children to grow up in. Thank you. Thank you so much for how hard you’ve been trying, for those times you didn’t repeat your own harmful patterns, for letting the mess go so your kids can play and you can grab a few minutes of sanity. (Self care is important!) Yes, I know there are million things flooding your mind that you’re not proud of, but you tell that shame monster to shut the absolute gollygoshdarn fuck up for a damn minute while you listen to me: you have created/are raising life. That is AMAZING. That is a privilege.

Through all your struggles, you are right here now, on your computer or phone, somehow having gotten to this post so that I can tell you that even when you don’t feel validated, appreciated, loved or enough– you are. Perfect is a ridiculous, maddening concept to strive for and normal is just a setting on the dryer. Progress in accepting your (children’s) human limits and needs and seeking/providing empathy and education is far, far more valuable not only in your heart and home, but to the world we are creating together as a whole.

I can tell you the most valuable thing my grandmother (on my dad’s side, which means she’s lost a son, too) has repeated since I was small and is never more true than from a post-SUDC standpoint:

This too, shall pass.

For better or worse, the sleepless nights and adorable barnacle part gives way to tantrums and tiny tornado-ness, then the scraped knees and loose teeth, mood swings and growth spurts, then, if you’ve the privilege to have gotten that far, our children are adults and move out and sometimes away. If we’re lucky and we’ve done our jobs right, they’ll come back to visit as healthy, well-rounded, intelligent, functional, compassionate individuals and thank us for taking care of ourselves and of them in the most loving way possible, realizing what a privilege we have to be able to do it at all.

For more information on SUDC, click here.

Daydream

4 Mar

I want a giant iron
to smooth over all the wrinkles
in this wretched system
a psychic microscope
all must pass through
who enter those gates
from any angle
a deflective umbrella
made of Care Bear stare
to hold over those I love
to protect them
when it all falls down
and cupcakes to give
as I sit down beside them
and say wow
it’s bad out there
yet all I can do
is write

I want to tell her
I know how sorry you are
that you never meant
for it to be
this way
for her to know
that I still see light in her eyes
when she looks at that child
that I see she is broken
and I know how it feels
to really know
that life is kind of like that
and then get up
put that in your pocket
and keep moving
because you can
you can
you really can
I promise
and we’re all here
waiting
maybe for truth
and apologies
but mostly for
the woman
you’ve been hiding
but all I can do
is write

I want to tell him
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry
I was such a shitty teenager
that I didn’t check my oil
that I learned integrity
gentleness and generosity
from you
and I can tell
your mother misses you
like I miss my own son
and I hope
in some way
that you two
have some sort of
magnetic soul tag
from how deeply
I will always love you
like a bat signal
on another plane
that brings you
to a place where my love
touches where you are
together
and for you to know
as deeply as I feel
how much
you are loved
and missed here
where all I can do
is write

Fair

4 Feb

Ocean_City_Ferris_Wheel

I took you there
to celebrate the harvest
pumpkins and hayrides
the giant Ferris Wheel
I can still feel you
pressed against my chest
and see your bright eyes
taking it all in

It was your complexion
milky
like your sleepy smile
downy fluff hair
flushed and full cheeks
delicious thighs
and eyes
that hold the stars
and my heart

It’s what is isn’t
that you’re not here
and I’ll never know why
It’s what it’s not when
I sleep alone
when my breasts still long for you
when any baby cries
It’s what it’s not
that I couldn’t
protect you
and still not know
what from
What it is
is exactly
what life
isn’t

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