Julie

Some Times

Sometimes I wake up
and just for a moment, I forget
which side of which dream I belong to
Sometimes I can’t get out of bed at all

Sometimes I wake up early
and find my way through the woods
to the top of the nearest hill
Sometimes I see you there
and I know
I always know

Sometimes I say
“Hello, my love.
Thank you for meeting me here.”
Sometimes I open my eyes
and there are rocks in my knees
mud on my fingers
leaves in my hair
and a pool of tears that need a heaven all their own

Sometimes I find a dandelion
a four leaf clover
a shooting star
Sometimes I catch the clock at 11:11
and I always hope it’s the wish
that will break the spell

Sometimes I catch myself laughing
and wonder how I could do such a thing
when there’s so much hurt
Sometimes I catch myself crying
and wonder how I could do such a thing
when there’s so much beauty
either way
it’s always because I love you

Sometimes I live fourteen months in fourteen seconds
eyes and heart open, full of you
Sometimes the nights are endless
Empty arms erase the hands of clocks

Sometimes I can’t stop the words from coming
a rush hour traffic jam of thought
Sometimes I am a ghost town
Even I wonder where I’ve gone
Somehow, I always return

Sometimes my only truths are
I’m sad
I’m stuck
I’m scared
I’m overwhelmed
Sometimes I know I need help
but I don’t know what kind
or how to get it

Sometimes my friends do
Sometimes my books do
Sometimes they just don’t
I am always grateful for them

Sometimes I cherish every hair on my childrens’ heads
Sometimes I want to scream
Sometimes I do
We always talk it over

Sometimes I am in flow with all the cosmos
purpose and intent in every move
Sometimes I am a robot
tie your shoes, brush your teeth, go to bed
but I get through

Some time is the only thing promised here
My always my mirror
always reflects you

For more of my poetry, click here.

stripey love

25 comments

  1. Beautiful, heartbreaking and so raw. That emptiness, the never ending nights and aching arms that can never be filled. I’m sorry you’re hurting so deeply. Writing is always so therapeutic to me. Keep going mama, write it down and let it all out.

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  2. Just heartbroken for you, your words are like bullets. The emotion and rawness of your work overwhelms me. Admiration for you mama. Love always

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  7. Poems are healing. I believe that he is outside time now, and will not experience one moment away from your love, even though you suffer here. No matter how long it takes you on this side, he will only turn and you are there and then you will have eternity together. If you could know this deep down, you might be able to turn back to what is here, your other children, the purpose of your life here, and be fully present to it, more often. In a dream, my cousin saw her grandmother with her child, looking like the day he died and she was no longer old, but young again. She told her that she had to go take care of her baby now. Then the phone rang and woke her up, and they told her that her grandmother had passed away that night. No one knew about the child except the uncles and aunts of her grandmothers generation, because they never spoke of it. So, that story makes me believe that our babies are waiting for us, unchanged.

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  8. You cross my mind so often. My little one just turned 14 months and I’m feeling the pressure to wean. I’m not ready yet, as I know she’s my last, and neither is she, so we’ll muddle through the exhaustion, the night cuddles, and will cherish this time together. Your experience inspires me to be patient, to put the sleepless nights in perspective, and to treasure this time. Wishing you strength, sleep, and dreams to sustain you.

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  9. No words, mama, just a ((hug)) and the hope that the pain of a little life lost will lessen and the joy of a beautiful life lived will increase as time passes. We don’t get over losing our little ones. We take them with us and they become part of who we are and what we give the world and how we live and love. That is how they live on, how we make sure their lives matter, how they put their tiny footprints on this big world…through those of us who love them and hold them in our hearts as our constant companions. Blessings, mama. ❤

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  12. Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful words. I just lost my sweet Declan at 34 weeks pregnant. No reason or cause has been determined, he just went to sleep in my belly, and that’s all I have. Holding him and telling him how much we love him was the only moments I had with him. Reading your thoughts, both positive and negative, are helpful in my grieving process, as it’s so hard to understand why these terrible things happen to us. I feel for you. I wish you peace and good days, even if they’re far and few between. You’re in my thoughts. #patpatforever

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    • I’m sorry, this is unrelated to the post, but are you the Joei Tyra who introduced herself to me by the carousel at the OKC zoo on the 27th? You wrote down your email for me, but I’m not sure I copied it correctly. I would like to get in touch with you again.

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  22. I have come back to your page several times and it is always when there is something I need to hear. I just want you to know that I light a candle and I hold you and your family in my heart. I know it is not much but your precious baby and his impact on this world is felt from far away. Much love and light to you and I know your heart will never be able to be healed but I pray for it to be soothed and your family to know joy and happiness more often than pain.

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  23. I am right with you mama…sometimes…this is grea and heart breaking and speaks what my own heart is trying to say. Thank you for your bravery!

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