It’s Thanksgiving and I can’t seem to stop shifting from sadness beyond measure, gratitude, and complete nothingness. At least gratitude is there, although the latter seems to be the most present. The writing just isn’t happening. I have to rewrite every sentence, sit and think, have nothing to say then decide to just say that, which is how I am managing to even get this far.
It really is one fumbling, pensive, intimidating walk in the dark to be grieving the only thing I know about the direction in which it leads is that it’s away from the time I had with Patrick, away from the sound and the feel of him, constantly babbling and moving, hands and fingers always busy until the very last moment before sleep; I feel like a small part of me dies a bit with each step I manage.
I think about him and time stops. I look up and suddenly I’m in a well-lit room, my cheeks are wet and my lap is empty. I always want to go back. It’s what makes moving forward so, so begrudgingly painful in heart, mind and spirit. All three can carry him, yet all three feel the separation as clear as mountain air.
By at least attempting to form words, I am carrying what I can of him with me and keeping him in the best way I know now. So I’m here, I’m typing, even is it’s the slowest going ever, even if I have nothing significant to share aside from my love and ache, which are significant to say the very least.
I am baking sweet potato pie with my sister today, thinking of my sweet potato… all of it is slow going, but it’s going. I’m off for spending the rest of the day with family now, but at least I’ve written something, I’m doing something, and I’m carrying Patrick with me as I do it in the best ways I know how throughout it all… by keeping gratitude in mind and taking one small step at a time. How I deal with his birthday next week remains to be seen, but that’s for next week. I have to deal with today, today.
For now it’s time to wash my hands and face, braid Annika’s hair, and spend the rest of the day hanging out with family. It’s about making the best of the little things and staying present, that much I know… and that I miss my boy, I’m grateful I had the time with him that I did, and that I’m grateful for the time I’m about to spend with my family now.