Archive | patpatforever RSS feed for this section

122

19 Jun

It’s been 122 Fridays since I last held my littlest love. I count because I can’t help it. I count because he’s my son and he’ll never stop mattering to me. I count because numbers are something real that makes sense to me, unlike his absence, unlike SUDC. Patrick should be three and a half years old, a bundle of energy and curiosity, making me exhausted, flabbergasted and completely in love now, but all I can do is hold space for how long it’s been for me since a time when that was my reality.

I remember life with him like a dream I just woke up from- flashing details, some tremendous and metaphorical, others just inflections of scenes from every day living. I remember the feel of his full cheeks against my skin and the feel of his left hand pat pat-pat-pat-ing my chest while he nursed. Sometimes it was a literal slap in the face- the variation is akin how my heart being touched by his memory feels now, usually I just notice it and keep doing what I’m doing, but sometimes it surprises me and demands attention.

I can’t always write about Patrick because it still fucking kills me inside in some way every time, no matter how much bigger my love than my ache. I don’t always want that visceral reality front and center to my own because I can’t function very well from my knees, which is where it brings me in every sense of the word without fail. But I’m getting better, and have found that speaking one on one or in a small group is easier than writing because it’s back and forth and there’s someone else participating and sharing. Here, it’s all me, just staring at my abyss, then making it public. Yikes. But I’m doing it. Progress, or something. Coming to terms with vulnerability and making baby steps.

I went to hang out at a friend’s yesterday and ended speaking openly about grief and loss over beers around a pool- and I realized that that’s what my reality is now: my grief is fully integrated into my joy, and authentic life lies somewhere in between. After a minute, I found out his roommate’s mother was a hospice nurse, and she had some really wonderful insights around life, death and the in between. I went from hesitantly sharing bits and pieces into a full blown conversation on cultural grief processes that I’m really grateful for.

Another friend messaged me last night to tell me that she thinks of me every time she wipes fingerprints from around her house and takes an extra minute to be grateful for her son because I shared. It takes courage to be vulnerable on both ends to have a conversation like that, and I’m honored and grateful every time someone takes a step outside of their comfort zone to make that connection. When I think about it, every. single. time. I’ve written something or shared about my grief in whatever minutia or grandeur it occurs, someone has thanked me, and/or shared that they’ve been carrying similar grief and never had the tools or place to acknowledge or (start to) process it.

I still don’t know how to help someone process their grief, I just share what works (and doesn’t) for me. Bereavement Doula Training helps, but all I know to get myself through the day is to acknowledge my feelings and know they’ll end, just like a contraction. Some require stillness paired with reflective, internal pep talking, some require animalistic howling and movement. It’s different every feeling, every person, every time. All I’ve learned is to not sugar coat the tough stuff- life is full of it, and the more experienced we and our children are with it, the better we’ll be able to handle hard times when they come. The best we can do is stay with it. So here’s my attempt to.

On top of being a Friday, it’s also Father’s Day weekend, which has been particularly painful since my own father passed from Melanoma in 2010. My newsfeed the past few days has been drenched with an influx of painful reminders of being unfathered, as well as news upon news about awful, tragic, downright infuriating and embarrassing racism and misogyny– it all just makes me want to curl into a ball and hide. One person’s baby shot 9 other people’s babies because of the color of their skin. That’s all I see when I read the news… babies. Even people three times my age are someone’s baby- children SUDC didn’t touch that got to grow up and end up where they are.

The grief in the world is exponential with each loss, and my mother’s heart is heavy thinking about all the other parents’ hearts out there in their first stages of grief. I had one of the worst nightmares I’ve had last night that consisted of essentially waking up over and over again to be reminded that my close friend had died in a tragic accident; reliving the hardest part of grieving for my head and heart on repeat. Those first fuzzy seconds upon waking where the rug gets pulled out from under me and the world comes crashing down anew are still a place I have very, very deep fear, I know. I’m afraid all of my loved ones are going to suddenly and unexpectedly die every second of every day. I try and use that fear to encourage my love, if that makes any damn sense, but it doesn’t take away the undercurrent of anxiety. I cried in relief when I woke up and realized that this one time, I got to wake up like I’ve prayed every morning to for 121 weeks now.

I’m heartbroken for all the parents that don’t get to wake up knowing they’ve had a long, cruel dream. (I sent my still very alive friend a text first thing this morning, even before coffee) My best during the times when I feel helpless is to provide space for myself and other grieving hearts to say, “That is awful. That should never happen. I hear you. I’m so sorry. Life makes no fucking sense sometimes. Thank you for trusting me enough to share. I have no words that can help, but I’m here. This sucks and I hate it for you and I’m here.”

And I’m here. For the parents with babies of any age who are gone too soon for reasons known or unknown, that we can understand or that we never will. I am here, and I will love my own children so damn hard that they’ll never think of harming yours. In 20 years when this generation we’ve parented grows up, we’ll see the difference we’ve made and it will all add up and mean something.

I often feel insignificant -and in the grand (and even minor) scheme of things, I absolutely am- but that shouldn’t keep me from sharing what matters to me, just as none of us should ever hold back from doing the small things that help ourselves and others, whatever they may be– doing so is exactly how the world gets better. For me, I help by writing. For me, it’s helping others try and slow down, prioritize and to be kind and grateful to ourselves, our children and each other.

I encourage you to bring my SUDC goggles with you the next time you’re feeling frustrated or helpless in your homes or reading your newsfeeds. All of those grown up babies need love and education, and some are glaring examples of what happens when the lack of those things meet. Unfortunately, we don’t have time machines and can’t go back and fix the childhoods of the adults that make hateful, poorly informed choices, we can only learn from them. What we can do is make sure the childhoods we CAN affect are met with love, always seeking to learn and grow together. Keep bringing love, vulnerability, empathy and education to the table. It’s gonna be okay.

Daydream

4 Mar

I want a giant iron
to smooth over all the wrinkles
in this wretched system
a psychic microscope
all must pass through
who enter those gates
from any angle
a deflective umbrella
made of Care Bear stare
to hold over those I love
to protect them
when it all falls down
and cupcakes to give
as I sit down beside them
and say wow
it’s bad out there
yet all I can do
is write

I want to tell her
I know how sorry you are
that you never meant
for it to be
this way
for her to know
that I still see light in her eyes
when she looks at that child
that I see she is broken
and I know how it feels
to really know
that life is kind of like that
and then get up
put that in your pocket
and keep moving
because you can
you can
you really can
I promise
and we’re all here
waiting
maybe for truth
and apologies
but mostly for
the woman
you’ve been hiding
but all I can do
is write

I want to tell him
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry
I was such a shitty teenager
that I didn’t check my oil
that I learned integrity
gentleness and generosity
from you
and I can tell
your mother misses you
like I miss my own son
and I hope
in some way
that you two
have some sort of
magnetic soul tag
from how deeply
I will always love you
like a bat signal
on another plane
that brings you
to a place where my love
touches where you are
together
and for you to know
as deeply as I feel
how much
you are loved
and missed here
where all I can do
is write

Fair

4 Feb

Ocean_City_Ferris_Wheel

I took you there
to celebrate the harvest
pumpkins and hayrides
the giant Ferris Wheel
I can still feel you
pressed against my chest
and see your bright eyes
taking it all in

It was your complexion
milky
like your sleepy smile
downy fluff hair
flushed and full cheeks
delicious thighs
and eyes
that hold the stars
and my heart

It’s what is isn’t
that you’re not here
and I’ll never know why
It’s what it’s not when
I sleep alone
when my breasts still long for you
when any baby cries
It’s what it’s not
that I couldn’t
protect you
and still not know
what from
What it is
is exactly
what life
isn’t

The Unrest

2 Jan

Some days
all I do is miss you
it comes out of the blue
like a star fell and burned
straight through my heart
and it’s all I can do
to get through the day
without your arms
reaching for me

and I miss the feel
of each individual finger
of your left hand
upon my chest
the way my left shoulder hurt
because that’s the side
you liked best
and I feel like
I will never rest again
even in my sleep
I’d never dream reality
would hold this type of
nightmare for me
when I wake each day
I never prayed
your soul to take
to anyone
or thing

Some nights
all I do is miss you
I miss the curves along your face
the smell of the triangular shape
between your jaw and ear
when I pulled you near
the way your eyes
were little twinkling sapphires
that I’ll forever chase
and you will always be the name
that’s firmly held between the places
where my heart skips a beat
i carry you with me
laying in the space we shared
how I am suffering
sweet child of mine
without you
in so many more ways than
I thought were possible

Soapboxery for the New Year

2 Jan

It’s been 98 Fridays with a broken heart, 37 days until it’s been two years. I said that on Facebook this morning, and watched my (overall Facebook) likes fall by a handful- the kind comments have followed, but the former always strikes me. It seems like every time I post about losing Patrick I lose people, so let me just get this out of the way:

If you can’t deal with the fact that I occasionally post about being sad because I suddenly lost my 14 month old for no reason, GO THE FUCK AWAY RIGHT NOW.

…but don’t go without recognizing the fact that you have that privilege, and what a huge one it is. Don’t go without remembering that SUDC = Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood = no cause, no cure = there’s nothing you can do to protect or prepare yourself for it.

Trust me, you are learning about this the easy way.

Grief is far from my only life or subject matter, but unfortunately for me, it’s become a part of who I am because Patrick is a part of who I am, and nothing will ever change either of those things. If there’s a singular thing I wish to impart on the world for Patrick’s and my stay here, it’s to encourage people to be grateful for every. damn. day, and to be kind to your children and each other.

One of the only things that provides any balm for me about Patrick’s life is that I spent every day loving and appreciating him (and continue to do so with my other children) because I learned that lesson in a lighter way after losing my father to Melanoma in 2010. I’m grateful I left him intact, grateful he was still breastfeeding, cosleeping and being worn every day, grateful that he was close to my heart in every way, every day of his entire life.

Because of my PTSD & SUDC, I evaluate every decision with “If I (or ____) died tonight, would I regret this?“, which is both a blessing and a curse; I get incredibly soaring heights of anxiety, but I also am pushed to find the courage to show up for my life and share my heart with others, even when it’s terrifying… it doesn’t make the latter any easier, but I go to sleep at night knowing I’ve said my piece and done my part. I always think about how need to write more. This is me trying.

Anyhow- if you can’t handle witnessing not made-for-TV grief, the fact that I occasionally say fuck, (and have an album just for swearing, actually- and one on cannabis, too) that I’m a feminist, humanist, science-loving hippie-nerd that writes sporadic, random poetry and posts, and embraces a coffee addiction open-heartedly: peace out. *If those things happen to appeal to you, consider following my blog (via the link on the top right side of the page on desktop and after the comment form on mobile)  if you haven’t already.

I’m here for authenticity, not approval. I’m here to learn and improve myself and the world around me. I’m here to hopefully lend some perspective and to share what helps me with my own, to keep my son’s memory alive, and to promote awareness for the SUDC Foundation– and that means I will never stop talking about them- and the other things that matter to me- ever.

Okay, enough soapbox for awhile. Now, go hug your kids and remind the people that you love in your life how much they mean to you. Dammit.

SUDCLOGO*If you feel like helping SUDC families, please consider participating in the Sing for SUDC Challenge, or donating to the SUDC Program here.

95

13 Dec

95 Fridays
and I still keep count
ever increasing numbers
they’ll still never surmount
or even touch
the aching vacancy
the numbness
that I hold
it’s just a silly way
to find some sense
within my soul
because your ab-sense
is exactly that
away from logic
fact or study
away from any truth
except goddamn
I miss you, buddy
and that’s the truest verbage
I can craft around that bubble
the shining fact
that I can excavate
from all the rubble
of the world
that I once knew
that I held dear
where I could hold you
not this one
where it’s all that I can do
just to uphold the who
you might have been
and who you’ll never even
get the chance to be
where the only way I hold you
is in silly poetry
where I can wrap my
words around you
instead of loving arms
carving verbal shapes
that hold the sillage of your charms
it’s still alarming
every morning
when I wake
without your face
without your breath
and the smell of your sweet head
here in my bed
and in it’s place
I just have
95 Fridays
in growing amount
665 days
and I still keep count
because
you do

Forboding Joy

23 Oct

Yin Yang ClockTrigger warning: child loss

When my father died,  there came a cold, permanent reminder that sometimes, life is too short, and that death can come far too unpredictably, too soon. With Patrick’s death came the reality that my best, most difficult, lengthy, impassioned efforts that I couldn’t possibly care more about or pour more of myself into can be spirited away- without warning or reason. Watching something slowly crumble, be it a life, a relationship or situation, is different entirely than flicking on a light switch and taking in the fact that it’s vanished, and the life that was happening in my head and heart did just that, all in a single moment.

Yes, my gratitude for the little things in life that come about has compounded after his death, too- being hyper aware of this new reality means taking extra time and love to invest in my children’s lives, and in the lives of my friends. But it also means that every time I say good bye to anyone, I’m saying it forever. To my children when they play outside, when my sister or friends when we part company- I’m hyper aware that today may be their last, or mine.

Serendipitously, I came across this video today where Brene Brown explains this strange paradox I seem to be living in, where I’m in love with every moment, but because I know they’re fleeting and I end up grieving for the present that I’m loving, too.  It’s as exhausting as it sounds, if not moreso.


Oprah’s holding the book I’m currently reading, Daring Greatly.

So there’s a flip side to all of this extra love, passion and gratitude I have in my life… I pour it out 100% because I know for a fact I’ll never have the same chance to again, and what it feels like to look back on the times I kept my love to myself because I was hurting or afraid. But this outpouring of love still contains a level of disconnect for me- I send it without expectation or attachment so that nothing and no one can hurt me again.

Except I’m finding some ties I can’t help, and those terrify me the most. The first and foremost of those attachments is to my earth-walking children. I hate to say it, but part of the reaction that, especially initially, happened in my grieving process was to pull away from everyone, my children included. Loving each of them so incredibly much, I realized, means that I am at three more times the potential for the ache I will never stop feeling in every quiet moment of my life- and that type of heartbreak can just break a person all the way down, six feet under.

SUDC can happen in children up to nineteen. NINE-FUCKING-TEEN. (My oldest just turned 13 last weekend, but that’s for another post entirely.) For all I know, when my children go to sleep, they’re not going to wake up, that I have some cootie-infested gene that makes my babies drop dead. Unfortunately, you can’t say, “What are the odds?” or “That couldn’t happen to you!” or anything of the like because it can, because it has.

I can count the number of times I’ve slept through the night since the earthquake on one hand. It’s not that the earthquake itself was terribly frightening, but when my 10′ picture fell off the wall and I realized that the windows and floor were really shaking, I panicked. The thing is, the logical part of me that tries to rationalize with statements like the ones I’ve listed above doesn’t count anymore. When you’re sitting in an ambulance passenger seat, rocking yourself to the mantra of  “Please don’t take my baby, please don’t take my baby, please don’t take my baby, my baby… my baby…” and then someone looks you in the damn eye and says, “I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do.” across an operating room table, all that sunshine and fluff goes up in smoke. It can happen. It just did.

I’m sorry if that’s rough to hear, but that’s my reality- and my reality found me thinking, “Please don’t take my babies.” again during the earthquake, with the coupled reality of remembering all too well how it turned out the last time those words were repeated in my head. And so I can’t sleep. And probably have some form of PTSD, really. I realized in my overthinking hours of the morning that I was lying there at the ready, trying to somehow protect my children with my love, with my vigilance, with my preparation for disaster… and all of it is futile, imagination put to it’s worst use. Yes, California is actually due for a massive earthquake soon, (which in NO WAY helps me to know) but I can’t limit my kid’s childhood because I’m beyond anxious that I’m going to lose them during it.

I have ties to friends that I can’t (and don’t want to) help that terrify me, too. Most of the friends I have that are closest to my heart live states away, where I can only see them on occasion. I love them fiercely and fear that bond nearly as much, sometimes more, because it means part of me is vested in both caring about their happiness and their happiness with me, and that I know firsthand how it feels to be separated from that bond. I’ve even caused that hurt on purpose to myself because of that knowledge, to try and, as Brene puts it, “beat vulnerability to the punch”, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

There have only been a couple of friends I have ever consciously separated myself from, and they are both people whom I have known for years and am deeply connected to- and ones I felt I couldn’t live through hurting me.  So, I hurt myself first by keeping myself at an unreachable distance, until I realized years later each time that those deep connections can’t be severed, that I was hurting us both in denying our attachment to each other. Though I felt safe(r) at a distance, I had a hole in my insides in exactly their shapes, and even after my silence, they were both still willing and wanting to be there, because it turns out they had Julie-sized puzzle pieces missing from their insides, too. Some people walk into your heart and just fit, and I’ve found that it’s worth stepping beyond old boundaries into vulnerability to let them.

And so I’m desperately trying to work myself through the absolute mind-bending freak out it is for me to try and form attachments again. Kaya is with me constantly and is the best form of constant, (mostly) quiet companionship that I could ask for. She helps ease my anxiety tremendously, as do many of my friends both locally and online; not the least of which is Amy of Zen Parenting, who has put together an online auction ending tomorrow, 10/24 to help raise funds for me to have a car- because even my car recently, suddenly and unexpectedly died, and while I was on the same freeway to Sacramento that I took on Patrick’s last day, to boot. (Do you see why part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop?)

The thing is, I can look at losing my car and see something I’ve lost, or I can look at the amount of love that has been sent my way because of it- it’s a choice… I would give up everything I have now and more for Patrick back, for even an allotted amount of time- I’m open, Universe– but in smaller scale situations, even ones like being stranded in the middle of nowhere with a steaming car, (which is absolutely a first world problem) because of friends like Amy, (and Megan, Ruthie, Jes, Genery, Matt, Laura, and Spencer) today, when it comes to looking at the loss or the love, I can choose the latter.

Priorities

10 Oct

Because of you
I know
whom my world can do without
and whom I would miss
every
single
day
if I couldn’t find
so I connect

Because of you
I can take a breath
or fifty
or ten thousand
and wait
knowing full well that
time is the only gift we can truly give
and I give it freely

Because of you
I know what can wait
and what just can’t

Because of you
I know in my deepest, darkest parts
even the ones that rage and burn
the ones that will never understand
and the ones that will always seek to
that it is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all
and I love with every space in my heart
especially yours

Because of you
my heart is a compass
even when damaged and broken
I know where my treasure lies
and I cherish it always

Because of you
I’m sure every good bye will be my last
and I’m terrified
of everything I love
because I know full well
what it means
to have it ripped away

But if I’ve learned anything
because of you
it’s that it’s worth it

 

For more of my poetry, click here.

What Counts

3 Oct

How can one love be so wholly
strength and kryptonite?
One single candle lit
that suddenly makes the world seem light
Yours is the hand I hold
each time
I need to find the strength to try
the questions posed by fear
are always answered in your eyes

I’ll jump off every ledge for you
and stretch my every edge
I’ll prove
not in some grandiose, magnificent way
but in the every day
fumbling places I change
in the way my heart catches
when I hear your name
and constantly burns
with concentrated  flame

How boundless our connection
all the tiers of my affection
Every way my life has turned
since you
ends up in your direction

I can’t do anything but love you
my heart beats a battclecry drum for you
Sometimes it’s all I hear
throughout all the ache and tears
the other side of facing fears
through years
this bond grows with age
though you, love, never will

My angel,  silly sunshine,
my sweet dust of star
I’ll be there, wherever it is that you are
even at a distance beyond how far
my silly mind can comprehend
we always meet again

and every time we do
it’s always the same
and it’s that I love you
and that I will see you
and you’ll see me, too
and that will count for everything

*I saw this photograph my very talented friend Neight (who filmed the Sing for SUDC video for me) took after starting to write this, and the sea, stars and cliffs are exactly what my love and grief feel like right now. <3

For more of my poetry, click here.

What I Can Do

25 Sep SingforSUDCChallengeImage

In the wee hours of the morning
the Peter Pan time
between asleep and awake
your eyes filled with tears
and you cried to me
for reasons I’ll never know
if you were too hot or too cold
had something amiss inside
or something on your mind
eyes that wouldn’t close
change your position
change your clothes
I wrapped my arms around you
heart to heart
I swayed and sang my love
whether balm for your spirit
or mine
or maybe both
weary hearts and bodies
It was all I knew to do
to help
and you found sleep

In the wee hours of the morning
I find myself
between asleep and awake
eyes filled with tears
because you’re gone
for reasons I’ll never know
if you were too hot or too cold
or had something amiss inside
I can’t get off my mind
eyes that won’t open
I change positions
put on my robe
wrapping it around my
broken heart
I sway and sing my love
whether balm for your spirit
or mine
or maybe both
weary heart and body
it’s all I know to do
to help
because I can’t sleep

 

For more of my poetry, click here.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 138,024 other followers

%d bloggers like this: